I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees I write award-winning operas I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all. I am the Time Magazine 2006 Person of the Year. My mere presence can make the panties of nubile young twenty-somethings drop faster than bombs over Baghdad. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a**** and a large glass of water I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after school I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist a concrete ****yst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft fl**** arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost Moby **** and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week when I do sleep I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance I weave I dodge I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis. (ADULT)